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The Rise of the Underarchy

It is part of the common human experience to feel rejected, to feel on the outside, to feel as if we don’t belong. Even, Jesus, the God-man had a very poignant experience of the rejection of people, even his closest friends and relatives. When we feel rejected, it becomes common to seek out others who understand our pain. We don’t want friends like Job who just say, “Get it together, man! There must be some hidden sin in you, which is why you are suffering so much.” No, in those moments of fierce rejection, we tend to find misfit companions just like us. Like the young David, running from his father in law, King Saul…who should come to him, but the outcast, dissatisfied and disenfranchised young men of his day. The knew that David could identify with their pain and so they ran to him. They fought for him. They were willing to risk their lives for him. It is natural and human to want to band together according to the common experiences of rejection that we share. 

But there is something that concerns me about the way modern society is choosing to band together. There has been much said in recent days about the merits and woes of what we have come to label “identity politics.” It’s this idea that we tend to frame our political conversations around the groups that we identify with. Most of these groups are characterized by their felt levels of disenfranchisement by mainstream culture. Examples of such groups can include: women, minority groups, LGBTQ individuals, etc. Because many people in these groups have felt rejected by the rest of society for different reasons, they feel that their identification with these groups gives them an authority in the conversation that others do not have. To a large extent, that is true. It’s hard to talk about a social experience that is not your own. Your group identity, especially if you appear noticeably different from your peers, gives you a unique voice. 

However, there is a subtle danger here that can shut down conversation and it can shut down the process of moving us in a positive and unifying direction as a culture. “Intersectionality” has been introduced as a fairly new concept on college campuses, though it was first coined in the 1980s. It describes the layers of societal barriers that arise when someone belongs to more than one of these disenfranchised groups. For example, a black American woman would presumably have more to contend with as far as barriers to her success than a white American woman. I understand the logic behind this concept completely. We are trying to figure out and grapple with what makes some people lag behind and other people more successful. We are trying to even the playing field as much as possible, which is very noble of us. 

The problem comes when we begin to view “The Hierarchy” as an inherent problem— that people in power, only by virtue of their power, are inherently the problem. Instead of having the burden of pointing out the specific ways in which the hierarchy has been a problem, we jump to the conclusion that the hierarchy is a problem just because they exist. Many people have risen to the higher ranks of society, not because they were a problem, but because they are actively solving problems. If we have no hierarchy at all, we have no values, we have nothing to do, and nothing to strive for— no goals to improve our current state of being.

We know that the problems of the hierarchy will always be something we need to guard against. We know that the human experience of absolute power has the risk of corruption, which is why we need to be watchful of people in power and to hold them accountable. At the same time, I see an equally suspicious class pop up, and that is what I’ll call the rise of the Underarchy. I am giving this group a name because we cannot notice something we do not name. 

The Underarchy are the people who so identify with the disenfranchisement of the groups to which they belong, that they wear their under-privilege as a badge of honor. The more stamps they can get on their  “underprivileged” card the more a sense of entitlement they feel. They use the word “privilege” as a byword to eliminate people from a conversation that they don’t want to engage in. 

There is something very dangerous about over-identifying yourself by your negative experiences alone. It causes your senses to become heightened to the negative experiences around you and you begin living a negative and learned helpless existence. You subtly begin to assume that only people who belong to your disenfranchised group can really understand you. It is very seductive because the wounds we have really do hurt, and the last thing we want to do is to open ourselves up again to someone who identifies with a group that corresponds with the last person who hurt us. It can be a real struggle. 

But in fact, history tells us the danger that this kind of thinking can lead to. In fact, it was the marked success of the Jews that were rising to the economic and academic hierarchy in Germany that first led the Germans to a feeling of jealousy, of rejection, and of disenfranchisement. They felt that in order to feel safe as “true Germans,” they had to push the power of their choice identity: white nationalism—something that the Jews could not fully claim. 

You know that you are in dangerous territory when you begin using your identity group to silence another person in a conversation, when you believe that your identity card allows you to play by different rules of morality and conduct.

These days, those who have more points of “intersectionality” or who have more points in the Underarchy can say things that those who have zero points, namely the white straight male, cannot. When this begins happening in a society, it is a sign that we are getting away from the whole “all men (and women) are created equal” thing. It means that we’ve unknowingly shifted the pendulum too far the other way. The Hierarchy can be corrupted for sure, but the Underarchy can be just as corrupt and can cause damage as well. Maybe the playing cards of the hierarchy are most often money, power, and professional opportunity, but the Underarchy can deal in social and political threat and can even incite violence. 

If you do find that you afford the “intersectionality points” because of the person you happen to be, realize you too have power and you too have influence. Please use your influence wisely and lovingly. Do not be deceived into thinking that you get to live by a different moral standard than others. Do not attempt to climb the ranks of the Underarchy so you can hold it over people’s heads. Do not use your group identity to silence, belittle, or to dismiss anyone who does not share that identity. If you do, you will become part of the problem you hoped to solve. All I ask is that you please, identify responsibly. 

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Why No One ever talks about Tolerance anymore

Do you remember years ago when the word “tolerance” made its way into the public discourse? There was a lot of controversy around that word I think it was around the time that Brad started dating Jennifer on “Home Improvement,” but don’t quote me on that. I remember a new book coming out at the time written by Dr. Dobson’s son, Ryan entitled, “Be Intolerant, because some things are just stupid.” Many conservatives worried that tolerance was a sneaky way for social liberals to gain a foothold. And so, they rejected the use of the word altogether, proclaiming that they would not tolerate tolerance when it came to things that were purely “intolerable.” Others embraced the word tolerance, Christians and others acceded that the true meaning of tolerance does in fact line up with the values that they hold dear, even biblical values. So what do we do with this loaded word? 

The word “tolerance” originally came from the idea of bearing up under a certain amount of suffering. Over the years it morphed into the biblical idea of “bearing with” those who were different from you in the way that they lived or the way that they believed, or the values they held. The operative meaning of the word was that it implied a clash, a suffering, a struggle, a gap to bridge. 

A society that values tolerance is a very western democratic sort of society. Tolerance becomes very valuable in a society that affirms the right of free speech, for example. Such a society assumes that the best ideas will rise to the surface in the crucible of honest and free thinking men and women who are willing to at least tolerate or entertain a point of view that is different from their own. 

In the gay rights movement, for example, the word was originally used to bridge the gap between those who did not agree with that particular lifestyle in an effort to help those people “tolerate” lifestyles that might be different from the ones they typically affirm. 

But over time, the word was subtly dropped from the narrative because we inherently realized that if we subscribe to the idea of tolerance, we will soon have no choice but to practice this value ourselves. And this is what we do with words—we discard them when they give us a standard by which we do not want to measure ourselves.

Consider the recent case of the baker (Jack Phillips) who went to the Supreme Court because he refused to customize a cake for a homosexual couple. Keep in mind that this man was willing to serve the couple another more generic cake or pastry item, but his conscience did not permit him to violate his conviction in such a way that blatantly affirmed a gay marriage that he did not agree with. 

In order to really see this issue clearly, I’d like to give you a hypothetical, which I call the practice of “moral mirroring.” To demonstrate moral mirroring, you flip the script and try the shoe on the other foot, so to speak. Here’s an example. Let’s flip the script on the Christian baker by considering the rights of an atheist who refuses to decorate a cake with a bible verse because it violates his beliefs. It is the same exact principle, even though in real life, the atheist is never the target of such litigation. Bigotry is refusing to serve someone or treat someone with respect based solely on perceived differences. Think of the bigot who says, “We don’t want her kind in here.” 

Most of the time we contrast bigotry with affirmation….someone who throws flowers and celebrates all that everyone is and all that everyone does. I can tell you that that person exists…nowhere. We think that affirmation is the opposite of bigotry, but it’s not. It’s easy to “allow” someone to be the way they are if you agree with them and celebrate their lifestyle. 

But tolerance is more brave than affirmation. It is more difficult because it is the choice to respect someone when and especially when you do not affirm what they do. Affirmation is easy, but tolerance takes character. It’s the willingness to stand in one’s own convictions enough to draw a line in the sand, but to make every effort to respect the line that another has drawn as well. That baker was practicing tolerance in that he was willing to serve the couple in many different ways. He only made a distinction where it clearly violated his convictions. 

The sad truth of our current society is that we’ve slipped from true tolerance to affirmation as its inferior substitute. This “affirmation culture” is alogical in nature because it doesn’t stand the test of moral integrity or moral mirroring. We cannot in good conscience affirm the choices of every individual on the planet merely because people want to be affirmed. The right to be affirmed is nowhere in the constitution. In the same way that we cannot demand everyone to affirm Christianity, we also cannot demand that someone affirm and celebrate homosexuality, atheism or white supremacy. 

If we want to bring back tolerance as a value, as I think we should, it has to apply to all people of all persuasions as long as bodily harm is not in question. (In the case of physical danger, that is a different conversation.)

So what does true tolerance really look like? How can we seek opportunities to show tolerance and how can we affirm those who do? Well, first we have to notice when we have a difference of opinion or different lifestyle choice from someone else. That’s easy enough. But the second step is harder. 

Next, we have to make the choice to move toward those people, not away. We need to engage in business, in dialogue with these people, always with a curious posture. But we must never succumb to the tyranny of an “affirmation culture,” feeling like we are pressured into affirming things we cannot in good conscience believe or affirm. Treating someone well while you simultaneously refuse to affirm all their life choices is the essence of true tolerance. 

Lastly, we need to notice and applaud people like Jack Phillips who do not necessarily affirm, but demonstrate tolerance toward groups of people that are different from themselves. We need to do the same for Muslims who bear with Christians and liberals who bear with conservatives. Such people serve where they can and graciously decline where (and only where) their convictions are in violation. 

It’s time for tolerance to make a comeback for real this time. It can be a true virtue, not merely a euphemism. We cannot effectively celebrate diversity without tolerance. We cannot effectively participate in a democracy without tolerance. If we make the mistake of replacing tolerance with affirmation, we will most certainly lose the power of personal conviction. The soul of democracy itself demands that we agree together that true tolerance will be a virtue we choose to practice, to cultivate, and to applaud in others. 

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5 Ways You Might Be Messing Up Your Conversations

Continuing in our conversation about conversation, I’ll call this a “meta-conversation.” It’s the act of talking about how we talk to one another. It may sound unnecessary, but when you think about it, what could be more important than growing in the art of conversation? Conversations have consequences. Conversations create reality.

The absence of conversation also has consequences. If neighborhoods and communities don’t talk, the culture at large will do our talking for us. When you watch TV a conversation is being had, only the conversation is one sided: you are being talked AT not talked WITH. You are a passive recipient of the conversation– yet the conversation is affecting you nonetheless.

In my last post, I talked about whether you were predisposed toward bravery in your conversations. Today, I want to explore how to think about each conversation you’ve just had. Think about your last conversation. How effective was it? Did you really stayed engaged and “brave” in this conversation?

Here is a little handy acronym to help you remember that after each conversation you can check yourself with these questions “I MUSE.”

As a verb, to muse is to consider something thoughtfully. As a noun, it means a person who is a source of artistic inspiration. In mythology, the Muses were nine goddesses who symbolized the arts and sciences. Today, a muse is often a person who serves as an artist’s inspiration.

When an interaction with a muse comes to mind, it denotes an interaction with another individual that then inspires something new to be formed. If you are engaging as a true artist in the art of the Brave Conversation, you will take whatever muse that is in front of you, whomever you have invited into the conversation, and you will expect inspiration to occur from that conversation. And you will expect that something new and beautiful will have been birthed from that conversation. 

  • Intentional Invitation: Did I intentionally invite the other person into the conversation with his or her whole self? Did I truly begin with the intention of understanding the other person and learning from him/her? Was I looking for “the exchange?” 
  • Maintaining Moral Integrity: Did I maintain intellectual consistency and apply the same moral principles to myself that I do to others? Did I ask questions of clarification when I did not understand?
  • Using my Voice: Was I able to stand in my convictions despite another’s view of me or reaction to me? Was I able to articulate my viewpoints and emotions while remaining respectful? Was I able to stand in my own skin and invite my own authentic voice to the table?
  • Savoring the Exchange: Did we come to new ideas, new concepts, or new revelations together? Was there an authentic spiritual or intellectual exchange? Did I gain something that can never be taken from me? 
  • Engaging Empathy: Was I able to step out of my own perspective long enough to truly hear and enter into their full perspective? Did I realize that I am not as different from this person as I may have thought? 

By contrast, the conversation that does not live up to the brave conversation litmus test might have these pitfalls embedded somewhere within. Perhaps you’ll have more insight seeing where your conversational weaknesses lie.

Intention Fail

  • You felt obligated to have the conversation, therefore you did not fully consider to invite the other person to the table fully. You were not ready to listen with an open heart.
  • You invited the other person, but you had a pre-drawn conclusion of how you wanted the interaction to go. You needed the person to respond in a certain way. Therefore, you were not willing to interact with the authentic person. 

Moral Integrity Fail 

  • You espoused convictions that you did not honestly and equally apply to yourself.
  • You disengaged from the difficulties of the conversation. 
  • You were not willing to allow the conversation to change you.
  • Instead of asking for clarification when you disagreed, you changed the subject, disengaged, or became defensive or dismissive.

Failure to Use Your Voice

  • You lost your voice and did not speak up when you sensed possible conflict.
  • You nodded your head when you did not understand or agree. 
  • You were intimidated by the knowledge, experience or intellect of the person and disengaged because of your own felt inadequacies. 
  • You were not open with the person about how you were feeling in the moment. 

Failure to Savor the Exchange

  • No new discoveries. Very little significant exchange.

Empathy Fail

  • It was too difficult for you to put yourself in the shoes or perspective of your conversation partner. 
  • You became defensive rather than first seeking to understand. 

Failures are not really true failures in that they are opportunities to learn. Some people you may find are not really ready for a brave conversation themselves, and you will find that all you can do is remain open to having one if and when that person is ready. Don’t beat yourself up for ending a conversation and coming short in any of these areas. My hope is that in your pursuit of Brave Conversations, your eyes will be open to more and more people that have the ability to change your life for the better. I also hope that by staying present and fully engaged in your conversations, you will also be one that will bring life, challenge, and understanding into all the people you may engage. Together we can change the world, one brave conversation at a time. 

Continue the conversation with me! Where do you find that you struggle most in your conversations? Where are you strong? What will you do to make your next conversation better?

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Are you predisposed toward Brave Conversations?

In case you don’t regularly keep up with me on social media or read my blog, the concept of having intentionally meaningful conversations as often as possible is transforming my life and I’m becoming more” I know when I’ve been having one, and even though they may be scary, I crave more of them. With all this talk about Brave Conversations, I thought I’d better come through for you on defining what a brave conversation is. How to know if you’ve really engaged in a brave conversation. Also, with all the buzzword chasing that happening in our society, how do we know if we who live by the brave conversation commitment are holding true to our words. I’d hate for all this Brave Conversation talk to digress into an elegant way to be a hypocrite.

Questions to ask yourself to evaluate whether you have been seeking and sustaining Brave Conversations. Are you in fact, a brave conversationalist? Here are seven good questions to initiate this conversation with yourself.

  1. Have I intentionally started a conversation with someone who I disagree with, am intimidated by, or who do not share my social status?
  2. Am I truly inviting the other person to bring their full self into the conversation, with their most honest opinions and perspectives?
  3. Am I able to bring my full self into the conversation, refusing to nod unless I agree, stopping to challenge assumptions, both theirs and my own?
  4. Do I consistently take the time and risk to ask for clarification when I don’t fully understand instead of changing the subject or pretending I do understand?
  5. Do I remain engaged when the conversation turns to controversy even when it might jeopardize my social or professional standing?
  6. Do I remain emotionally present with everyone, proactively sharing my emotions and vulnerabilities with those who have earned that trust?
  7. Do I truly believe that I have something to learn from every human being I encounter?

If you want to be one who shifts culture, one conversation at a time, join our free Brave Conversations private Facebook group!

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You say you hate Labels…or do you?

Labels. We are surrounded by labels. Our businesses depend upon labels: from demographics, to political affiliations, to fan likes. There is such a “niche market” today that we have become very label happy. Once we discover a new label, we are quick to apply that label liberally to anyone who might fit. And I totally get it. Labels help us make sense of the world around us and connect the dots. Labels don’t only convey an aspect of reality, they can, in fact, create reality. A label on a pair of jeans might not seem like much, but it ends up translating a social construct into real behaviors—which amount to real dollars and cents.

Labels are essentially categories. The original Greek definition of the word “category” comes from the word “kategoros” which means “accuser.” The Greek word “kategoria” meant “a statement or accusation.” Now, I understand that over time this word has evolved into a nicer more neutral word, but I wonder if there is something in the essence of the word category that subtly accuses others and undermines us as human beings.

Categories are like the little organizational boxes that we put things into when we are trying to make sense of all our stuff. If we are really organized, we wield that empowering label maker with glee, deciding which category to put all our little doodads and then shoving them in the appropriate drawers. It is a feeling of power and control that we get by creating a place for the things we own. It is even a way of setting boundaries with our stuff in order to dominate our stuff so that our stuff doesn’t dominate us. We are essentially “accusing” our pens of belonging where we want them to belong. We are making a “statement” about their identity. Our pens don’t mind if we categorize them by color or separate them from the sharpies or not. They don’t jump out of the boxes and say, “I don’t want to be labeled and put in this box here with all these sharpies!”

But people are another story. A large company of influencers in society have created categories for people in an effort to help us make sense of the world. I was elated when someone finally told me that I didn’t have to choose between being an introvert or an extrovert, but I could now become an “ambivert,” who is basically right in between an introvert and an extrovert. After jumping in and out of the “introvert/extrovert” categories, I realized that I could reject the two categories that were offered me and find solace in a third category. It never really occurred to me that I could reject the man-made categories all together.

We as people all want the ability to choose our own categories. Why? Because, counterintuitively, it gives us a sense of belonging. Some of us even reject obvious categories that are put upon us (ie: trying to not to be lumped in with our age peers and working ever so hard on a youthful appearance). It makes us feel powerful to deny even the most basic of categories, categories that are ordained by God and nature, not by man, such as the category of age.

Even as independent as we claim we are, we all want to fit into some type of people group even when, and especially when, that people group is marginalized or beaten down. In all our pain and rejection, we just want to know that we are not alone. And so we add another initial to the LGBT…. Or we create another diagnosis in the psychological textbook, another foundation to support another cause.

The downside of categories and labeling people is that human individuals are not really made for labels. Labels comfort us, but they also stifle us. They are the security blanket that claims we belong to someone or something. There have been people who have even killed themselves because they were living under a label that they could no longer endure. Every so often someone will lament, “Why can’t we just get rid of all the labels?” Well, we’ve tried but it hasn’t worked yet. Some of the people that say they reject labels the most are also the most adept at creating them. Take tattoos for an example. Tattooing is essentially an attempt to reject all previous labels and to express one’s own labels of choice, quite literally.

These days words as simple as “liberal” and “conservative” have become, not just descriptive, but so electrically charged that they evoke instant feelings of kinship or contempt depending on the audience. Assumptions are made instantaneously, and along with these assumptions come…you guessed it— accusations. Maybe there is something to that Greek etymology after all.

The ideological war we are engaging in begins with the art of conversation. In our conversations, I don’t pretend that we can get away from labels altogether, but I do think we need to take another look at how we are using them.

Using labels to ask someone how they would describe themselves is fine. As I said, I am now a self-proclaimed ambivert.  I may be one, I may not be one–if in fact ambiverts really do exist at all. Nevertheless, it’s the word I’m choosing for now to define what I think about myself. So, what does one do with this information? Asking people clarifying questions as to what they mean by the use of the label is a helpful way to go, as it causes the person to examine the use of the label and it causes you to understand that person better. We always need to keep in mind that a label is only a feeble attempt to describe something.

Using a label to write someone off and end the conversation is counterproductive. Labeling someone while in the midst of a heated debate is also not helpful. Denying someone their equal voice in a discussion through the use of a label does nothing to move connection forward.

Talk about labels with your friends, coworkers and families. Use them if you need to describe something, but please don’t fall into the trap of using labels to accuse. Don’t use labels to control people just because you are uncomfortable grappling with the complexity of the person standing in front of you.

Also keep in mind that in this label-happy world, if you say anything of consequence, you will definitely be labeled. If people don’t know what to do with you, they will stick a label on you to make themselves feel better about your existence. But no matter what labels you choose for yourself, or no matter what labels others choose for you, only your Creator knows the truth about you. I hope you will begin a lifelong pursuit of your true identity and I hope that you will no longer live and die by the tyranny of the label.

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What’s Up with Distancing Ourselves from People Who Don’t Agree?

I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in society… one that goes pretty much without being questioned. It is one of those cultural practices that gets imbedded in to the fabric of society. I see it in the entertainment industry, among people of faith, and in the political realm.

It all starts with some kind of behavior or point of view that we consider unacceptable. Such behavior is not new, we have run into it throughout history. In the days of the Spanish inquisition it was what the church deemed as “heresy.” For the Salem witch trials, it was any behavior or suspicion of the practice of “witchcraft.” In the McCarthy era, it was anyone who could possibly be associated with “communism.” There was so much fear around these unacceptable ideas that people were blacklisted and treated as if they had a plague for even being associated with people who might be associated with such ideas.

They were ostracized and sometimes even killed, whether or not they truly were communists and witches or heretics. And so, because of the pandemic fear in larger society of certain brands of evil, we made grave mistakes. In an effort to uproot possible “monsters” of deception or harm, we in turn, became the monsters ourselves. Hot button words like “communist or heretic” would push those buttons of fear in people. When others were labeled with these words, the stain was hard to erase, no matter how true it was.

Today, we are passionate about certain issues, as many of them we should be. There is real truth that we desire to protect. Our hot button issues and buzzwords have changed. Now these might include words like, “racist, homophobic, and misogynist.” As much as we despise the viewpoints that some people with that label might have, ostracizing and blacklisting people is not going to solve the problem. It feels good and safer to distance ourselves from people that we deeply disagree with— the only problem is that when we distance ourselves, we unintentionally deepen the grooves of division and strife within our nation.

If we are not willing to engage in conversations with people that we think are “the problem” how will the problems we perceive ever be solved? Are we so weak minded that we are afraid that their racism or misogyny or homophobia will “get on” us as if it is a disease to be caught? If there was a word for the fear of being labeled as such, I’m sure it would apply here. If our ideals have any strength at all, they will surely stand even when tested in the crucible of brave conversations.

Yes, there is risk in reaching out to someone who is different from you. You may yourself be labeled as something you’re not. You may be considered a heretic, whatever heresy may mean in your circles. But I encourage you to ignore the labels and to keep engaging the “other side” intentionally and deliberately.

Facebook won’t show you how to do it. In fact, most social media platforms will lead you away from it. In a world of likes and affirming emojis, we prefer to only have conversations with people who are nodding their heads and giving us the thumbs up. But it’s the conversations where silence ensues and where there is a furrowed brow that really invoke change. There is pain in change. Change goes both ways. We have to invest in change, willing to be the first to change if we discover inconsistencies within ourselves. So today, I plead with you, stop distancing and start a purposeful, intentional, brave conversation.

To join our private conversation group, ask to join here.

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How Your Conversations Shape Your Life (bringing back the old-time salons)

Salons have not always been known as places that specialize in hair and beauty. Once upon a time, salons were important influencers in culture and politics. The Wikipedia definition of a Salon is “a gathering of people under a roof of an inspiring host, held partly to amuse one another and partly to refine the taste and increase the knowledge of the participants through conversation.”

Influential women of the 1700s and in other periods of history would host these salons in their homes even when they had no votes and no formal power of any sort. They were inviting philosophers and artist and writers and other influencers of their time to have conversations. They would gather around food and drink and art and the host would suggest a topic to discuss. But the whole of the event centered around the beauty and transformative power of the Conversation. These women quietly, but effectively shifted culture around the intentional pursuit of powerful conversations.

The art of conversation has all but been lost in this generation. Instead of talking we are more familiar with watching passively. Instead of forming connections, we are accustomed to merely forming judgements. But people still crave the conversation. We still need it.

We don’t need just any conversation. We need to talk most about the things that scare us most. We need to come out from behind our labels and our personal branding and be honest about our struggles. We need to be open enough to utter the words, “I don’t know,” and, “Here is why I disagree with you.” Even more, we need to learn to master the art of asking great questions. Men need to get beyond the sports and shop talk and women need to go beyond wedding and baby showers. Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with showers or sports, there’s just so much more.

I have a dream that having conversations would come back in style. That gathering around real issues, real stories, and real people would happen more often. I want to see modern day salons gathering not just in the homes of wealthy women as they did centuries ago, but in coffee shops and churches and regular living rooms.

Entering into a purposeful and inspiring conversation can have a transformative effect on our lives.

Here’s five things a Real Conversation can do:

1. Conversation connects.

Addictive behaviors stem from a lack of connection. Depression is born of a lack of connection. The reason Starbucks is what it is today is not because they offer coffee. It’s because they really are in the connection and conversation business. There is nothing our human souls crave more than a face to face conversation.

2. Conversation increases the value and dignity of human beings.

People need to be invited to a “table of conversation.” They need to know that their personal experiences, their viewpoints, their voice matters. In a real conversation there is as much listening a there is speaking. There is a validation of the human experience. Studies have shown that talking about a personal experience and sharing a struggle validates that experience like nothing else can. It does more to bring healing and wholeness than many drugs or other therapies.

3. Conversation increases intelligence.

We are much smarter when we consider the opinions and experiences of others alongside our own. We are exposed to ideas we’ve never before considered and as we immerse ourselves in the conversation experience, we become more informed and more aware.

4. Conversation challenges.

Along with new information and new ideas, we find ourselves challenged with the choice of adopting new paradigms. And here’s the rub: because most people want to have better connections and they want to be more intelligent, but most people don’t want to consider that the concepts they encounter might actually demand a response to live differently, to take responsibility for a new aspect of their lives. A person who never wants to grow and change will not come back for another brave conversation. But people who are looking for growth at every turn are hungry to have the conversations that few are willing to have.

5. Conversation shifts culture.

Certain cultural buzzwords and euphemisms may annoy you. But the reality is that the use of these words was initiated by people who were invested in the conversation. If you don’t like the way that our cultural conversation is being framed, then begin having your own conversations and begin using the words that you think will make a difference. Many think that talk is cheap, but it’s only cheap when we are having counterfeit conversations. For conversation to have meaning, it must be felt, fully entered into, and fully owned. Authentic conversations are not cheap. They come at the cost of vulnerability. But Authentic Conversations change the world.

What’s the next conversation you need to have?

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10 Signs You Might be a Stress Junkie

There’s no shame in realizing you might be addicted to stress. Some of the best, most well intentioned and “productive” people are stress junkies in disguise. It’s just a really good idea to take assessment of your life from time to time to find out if there are any unhealthy habits you have that could be preventing you from an even greater impact you could be having in your life. Check out this list, be honest with yourself and see if you can relate. I’ll try to keep it short, since you’ll likely get bored and want to move on to something else. 

1. You wake up in the morning with a feeling of dread or anxiety over what you might have to do that day. 

2. You often skip eating or sleeping in favor of getting something done. 

3. You find it hard to focus on someone when they’re talking about personal things without rehearsing all the other things you could be doing while you’re listening. 

4. You cannot relax if you are aware that something in your life is left undone. 

5. You wonder why drama seems to always follow you around, but secretly you thrive on it. 

6. You constantly “multitask.” For example: reading with the TV on, listening to a book while doing other things, etc. 

7. It’s been a long time since you’ve asked yourself the deeper questions concerning the motivations behind your actions. (Hint: You had to read this item twice before understanding what it was saying.)

8. You filter out any information that doesn’t immediately apply to your life in the here and now. 

9. You inadvertently find yourself holding your breath, biting your cheek, clenching your jaw, or taking shallow breaths frequently throughout the day.

10. You watch other people slowing down and enjoying life and think, “That would be nice, but I don’t have a choice in my life.” 



Congratulations, you’re still reading— which means that you might not be beyond recovery. If this list has freaked you out a little bit about the pace of your life, that’s good! Here’s a quick prescription you can follow to help you re-connect with yourself and get you on the road to recovery. 

Prescription for Stress Addiction: 

1. Schedule 10, 20, or 30 minutes you owe to yourself. Decide on a time and a place and set it in your calendar. Tell the people around your about your plan so they don’t interrupt. If possible, get away from all people. Make sure you schedule time enough to get to your destination. 

2. When your calendar reminds you it’s that time, drop everything and be in the place. Turn your phone and all other devices off immediately. You may want a clock available to help you with the time. Being in your car can work great. 

3. During that time, practice mindfulness. Close your eyes and feel yourself breathing, hear the sounds going on around you. Talk to the self inside. Make a conscious effort to be kind and compassionate toward yourself. You may want to have paper and pen available to help you focus, draw or release whatever is inside. If you believe in God, you can direct your thoughts in the form of a prayer. 

Make it your goal to work your way up from maybe once a week to once a day for 10-30 minutes. 

Did you try it? If so, let me know how it goes and what insights you gained! 

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Perfection or Connection?

George Costanza from Seinfeld is one of my favorite love/hate TV characters. What you might not realize is that many aspects of his character is based on the show’s creator, Larry David. Larry identified so much with self-doubt and classic aspects of perfectionism that he was able to showcase the malady very well in the character of George. In a behind the scenes interview, Larry talks candidly about the fact that he was not happy that the hit show got picked up because he was terrified at the prospect of writing another handful of episodes even though the first had been a huge success. Rather than being encouraged by his success, he was panic stricken because of it. Thoughts flew through his head like, “What if I never do anything better than what I’ve done? What if I maxed out on my talent and he’d never perform as well ever again?” Perfectionism got in his head and caused him to think completely irrationally. Thankfully, he laughed off his fears and allowed these fears to give him fodder for comedy rather than letting those fears get the best of him.

At the root of perfectionism is the belief that I’ll never be enough. It’s this insidious belief that even if I do something great, sooner or later I’m going to mess up and everyone will see that I’m really a fraud, that I don’t belong here and that I don’t deserve a place at the table.

Moses displayed it towards God when he said (loosely paraphrased), “I can’t even talk. You must have the wrong guy to be the spokesperson for Israel, God.” Abraham and Sarah had it when they laughed at God’s proposition of having a son in their old age. Mary had it when she became “greatly terrified” after an angel had told her “you are highly favored among women.” Such reactions may seem irrational and silly, but very very real.

There is something about weakness and so called “imperfection” that is very beautiful to God. Otherwise, he would have never chosen the people he put into Jesus’ family tree (a prostitute, an adulterer, an unwed mother, several people who were at one time out of the chosen tribe of Israel).

One common lie of perfection is that only perfection will lead us to success and excellence. We think that if we try really hard to be perfect, we just might get there. There is a subtle but important difference between the pursuit of excellence and perfection. Perfection is about performance. Excellence is about connection. 

When I go to the theater to see something that will really stir me, like the movie Les Miserables, I don’t want to see a perfect performance, I want to see one that connects with me. I can watch Anne Hathaway perform her passionately imperfect performance with sweat beading and spit flying or I can watch a perfectly polished version that is void of connection. Which one would you prefer? There is a reason I cannot give you the name of the perfect performance, whoever gave that performance is not remembered.
You could make the argument that it is possible to produce a flawless product, whether it is in the way you present yourself or in the work you do. But maybe a better question to ask is not how perfect your work is, or how flaw free it it, but how much of an impact it makes? 

I once saw a beauty article about a certain actress. It made the case for her beauty by listing how beautiful she was based on itemized aspects of her appearance. Her hair was perfect, her skin was perfect, her proportions were perfect. The question it left me was this: do we now define beauty based on chopping ourselves into segments and examining the perfection of each segment? Is that what we’ve reduced beauty to in our “advanced” world? In this age of air-brushed images and edited productions, maybe we’ve lost sight of what it is that is beautiful and what it is that human nature is really longing for, which is connection over perfection. Maybe the Mona Lisa is beautiful not because of hair and proportion and lighting, but because the whole of the composition and how she connects with onlookers.

If we change our focus from perfection to connection, then everything I’m doing, from how I dress to how I execute my work speaks of something. It either will promote that connection, or it will shut it down. When we pursue excellence, our entire goal is to get our hands dirty, and take big risks in order to connect big. And when we learn and grow to attain higher and higher levels of excellence (getting better at our craft, etc.) it is only so we will remove all the roadblocks to more and more connection— connection between us and God, connection between ourselves and others who walk this planet with us. The point is not to say to God or to anyone else, “Look how mistake free I am.” The point is to say to God and the world around, “Connect with me. Connect with the message I’m bringing.” 

How does this connect with you? What ways have you found helpful in getting you out of the rut of perfectionism?

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Is Life Coaching for Me? 3 good questions to lead you to your answers.

So what’s all this hype about life coaching?

You may hear people talk about having a life coach and you may think of life coaching as something that’s only for only high powered CEOs or narcissistic housewives. But as our culture shifts, we are finding that people are living longer, are faced with more life options, and have more life transitions than people of past generations.

Nowadays, life coaching is growing in necessity and popularity just like the cell phone. It used to be funny on the movie “Clueless” when everyone in the high school used to pick up their cell phone when they heard one ring, now the cell phone culture is part of who we are. Similarly, it used to be unheard of to go to a gym to “work out” when “working out” consisted of literally going out on the farm to work. That was all the work we needed. But life has fundamentally changed. What we once never imagined would be a necessity, is suddenly more important than we realized.

In a similar way, life coaches are becoming more and more available and more and more diverse with different specialties. You can find a health coach, a productivity coach, a performance coach, or a more generalized coach if you don’t quite know what you need yet. It is now what we’d call “mainstream.” Regular people like you and me are finding that life coaching is the one thing they’ve been looking for that is the tipping point they’ve needed for life fulfillment.

I want to give you a little better idea to know what coaching is and how it works so you can decide if coaching is right for you. Here are 3 questions and answers to help you discover if it might be time to get a coach.

1. What is Coaching?

A coaching relationship will help you self-discover ways to maximize your life. You can receive help articulating your values, passions, and goals, develop and execute a strategy to get you to the next place you want to be in your personal journey. In other words, coaching is all about you. It’s about helping you find the keys within so that you can unlock the true potential of the person you were created to be. Whether it is helping you identify and correct limiting mindsets and habits or helping to articulate and execute goals, coaching is flexible enough to meet your needs. Sometimes you just need a person who can come alongside you with no hidden agenda with your needs in mind, and to be an advocate for who you are and who you are becoming. Here at Leighsloan.com, I can provide generalized life coaching or specialty coaching such as relationship/boundary coaching, leadership coaching, and spiritual/personal growth coaching.

What is the difference between coaching and counseling? Counseling takes you deeper into the psychological issues that might be hindering you from being emotionally and psychologically healthy. Coaching may also hit on emotional or psychological issues, but the coach will not offer prescriptive advice, rather will give you a sounding board to discover the truth that is already within you. A coach will help you to listen to you. The focus of counseling is to help you become psychologically healthy. The focus of coaching is to help you identify and achieve your own personal or professional goals. A coach may also suggest other resources to assist you on your journey.

2. How do I know if I might be ready for a coach?

Short answer: If you feel just a little bit (or a lot) stuck in your old patterns of thinking or behavior, if you are doing the same thing over and over but desire different results, if you need help clarifying what it is you want from life, if you need help creating more satisfying relationships… it might be time for a life coach.

Which brings us to the real underlying question…

3. What are some barriers people typically have to deciding to get a coach?

Lack of understanding about what coaching is. Faulty mindsets about what coaching is can lead people to think that they don’t need or want a coach. Hopefully this post has already helped you clarify what coaching is and what it is not.

Self-worth issues. Often, the people that need coaching the most do not see themselves as worthy of the time and expense of a life coach. They’ll say things like, “Coaching is for other people.” Or “I need to be further along in my career to get a coach.” It’s this idea that they need to earn the right to have a coach. There are real gifts lying dormant within these individuals. 12 weeks with a life coach could be very effective to helping them get over the barriers that are preventing them from operating on all cylinders, preventing them from creating the income, lifestyle, and relationships they’ve always wanted, but never thought possible.

Fear of failure or being exposed. Sometimes we picture a football coach or those tough coaches we see in the movies as people who get in our faces and scream until we get across the finish line. And that might work for some people, but in most situations, this style of coaching is the last thing people need. Most people have the motivation already within them to accomplish what is important to them, but they lack the encouragement, permission, and relationship they need to help pull them out of their past patterns. They don’t need someone yelling in their face, but they need someone addressing their questions and concerns. Coaching also helps an individual to take themselves seriously enough to get what they need to grow.

Just by deciding that you are going to invest into your own life by pursuing a life coach says a lot about what you believe about yourself, your value, and your ability to succeed. Making the leap into a relationship with a life coach is half the battle.

You may be thinking, “How am I going to do this?” There are coaches of many different price ranges and specialties. You’re going to want to really think about what you want from the relationship and how much you’re willing to invest. Some coaches even offer group coaching which can help defray the cost. Most coaches will be able to give you a quick assessment and recommendations of what kind of coaching you might need and will have people they can refer you to if they cannot offer this service to you themselves. Sometimes pastors or employers will be able to help you with this information as well.

Reach out and send me a message if you think life coaching might be right for you. I’d love to help connect you with someone who can help. Also, let me know your thoughts, feelings, and any other questions you might be asking!

You are worth it!